Half An Inch
by katie3
Summary: Red grows half an inch and Purple is no longer one of the Tallest! Red sends him to a little, unimportant planet in a dustly little corner of the galaxy. . . six months away. CHAPTER 6 IS UP!
1. Purple's Bad Morning

Wow, I'm writing a new fic! I gots ta stop starting new fics in the middle of old ones. But this  
couldn't wait. I was too excited. Hooray! R/R and I be so very happy.  
  
The Almighty Tallest had been best friends ever since they were little smeet in the  
education plugs back on Irk. They had grown up together, sharing the pain, the joy, and the food.  
So much food. Seriously, they ate a ton and still looked anorexic. It's really we-  
Oh. Right.  
So the Tallest had grown up as Invaders, never realizing until one fateful day that they  
were, eh, TALL.   
The news of Almighty Tallest Spork's death spread quickly throughout Irk, though  
nobody could seem to remember just how he had died. Fortunately, nobody really cared, either.  
He was dead and that was that. Excitement was in the air as announcements requesting all  
Military District leaders to send their most promising, tallest resident. One M. D. leader,  
however, sent two, explaining that they were equals as far as Tallest material went. The situation  
was frowned upon by some, but, in the end, was accepted.   
Twelve Irkens, all identically tall to the naked eye, traveled to the Hall of Politics. There  
were three females and nine males. The three females hunkered down in their dormitory, hiding  
from the nine leering males. One in particular had been exceptionally bold. He had approached  
Nae, the oldest of the three, as the group was arriving at the Hall.   
"So, what's your name, gorgeous?"  
She blinked. "Nae." Coughed. "So, uh. . . who are you?" She realized that she may have  
worded that a bit more politely, but it was too late to take it back now.   
"My name is Larr, but I want you to call me 'Red', 'kay, babe?" He flashed a grin laced  
with perversion at her. His bright red eyes (Nae assumed that this was where he got the name  
'Red' from) danced in his head. She frowned.   
"Nice to meet you, Larr. I'm going to go to my room." She turned and walked away with  
the other two females. They began to walk down a corridor when all of a sudden one of the other  
males coughed, getting their attention.  
"Was my friend being rude to you three fine ladies? You'll have to forgive him, you see,  
he's an idiot, I'm afraid. But he's certainly a good friend."  
"That is so sweet!!" squealed Rillee, younger than any other Irken there by some years.  
"Like, you're toooo cute! And your eyes are my favorite, like, color!! What's your name?"  
"Uh, it's Dol. But usually I'm called 'Purple'."  
"NEAT!! Let's go do stuff!"   
Much to Red's displeasure, all three of the females latched onto Purple for the rest of the  
afternoon. He had a dazed grin plastered on his face the whole time. When he suggested that they  
go to a place a bit more private, however, they fled.   
Red was still laughing at Purple as they got ready for bed. All twelve Irkens, however,  
were jittery about the important events that would take place tomorrow.   
The next day, official measurements were announced, and the whole of Irk was shocked  
to learn that there was not one successor to Almighty Tallest Spork, but two. The odds of two  
Irkens being the exact same height was extremely unlikely, and the fact that they were best  
friends made the whole situation even more strange. Red and Purple, however, could not have  
been happier.   
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'EXACTLY THE SAME HEIGHT?!!'" shrieked Red. "We  
*can't* be the same height!! I must be, like, at *least* three millimeters taller than him. I mean,  
c'mon!! I WAS BORN TO RULE!!"  
The Tallest still did everything together. Except use the bathroom. Because that would be  
more than just a little bit disturbing. Each morning they woke up at the exact same time and met  
each other for breakfast. Then, after they had dressed, they measured themselves, each with their  
own separate measuring device. Each time both machines chanted out, timed to perfection, "Nine  
and three-quarters feet!"   
This morning had started no differently.  
"Nine and three-quarters feet!" chimed Purple's dutifully.  
"Nine and three-quarters feet," said Red's. The Tallest grinned happily at one another. ". .  
. and one half inches," finished the device.   
Nobody in the room moved, right down to the lowest servant drone. The air was  
completely still and the room was completely silent. Red blinked.   
"YEEESSSSSS!!!!!"  
  
I bet you're wondering what happens next, huh? You're all like, "Hey I wanna know what  
happens next FROWN FACE." 


	2. The Plot Gets More Thicker

"Red. . . buddy. . ." Purple turned to Red. "What're you gonna do?" Red smirked.   
"You're going on a trip, my friend. You're a great pal, but I can't risk you getting all  
angsty and assassinating me or something."  
"A. . . t-trip?" stuttered Purple."To where?"  
Red did not answer, but simply grinned.   
  
*******  
  
"NOOO!!!" shrieked Purple. "ANYWHERE BUT THERE!! PLEASE!! RED, WE USED TO  
BE *FRIENDS*!!" He struggled against the two huge guards that were dragging him onto the  
ship. His purple clothing had been removed and replaced with the standard magenta color that  
Invaders and civilians wore.   
The guards finally pulled Purple into the ship and strapped him down. He continued to  
scream threats and curses. The viewscreen flipped on and Red's face smiled down at the  
incarcerated Purple. "You should probably just relax, Purple. It's gonna be a looong six months."   
The screen went blank.   
  
A/N: The plot thickens, and it's gonna get. . . thicker. Yeah. 


	3. The 6 Month Period of Boringness

He had finally relaxed a few hours after the ship, barely larger than a Voot cruiser, had  
taken off. Oh, he was not a happy Tal-  
But then, of course, he was not one of the Tallest anymore. He sighed as the ship  
continued on its course, and he thought of Red, laughing, joking, laser-ing, and whatnot.   
"Smoke machines," he muttered drearily. The ship continued on.  
Several months passed as the ship flew through space, and Purple stared at the ceiling of  
the small cabin. What else could he do? He thought about the planet he was headed to. Nobody  
there at all. Nobody he knew, anyway. Who knew what he was getting into? He had been sent to  
one of the most desolate, faraway planets in the galaxy by someone he had thought was his best  
friend. He struggled not to scream.   
"Now entering atmosphere!" the ship piped up. Purple sat up. Had it already been that  
long? Guess so. He looked out of the windshield and remembered that he was completely alone.  
"Stupid Red," he muttered. "Stupid Red, stupid planet, stupid LASERS," his voice rose, "AND  
STUPID. . . HALF! AN! INCH!" He slammed his hand down onto the control panel. It dented  
and sparked from within. Great.  
"Auto-pilot. . . shuttinng. . . . dowwwnnnnnn. . . . . ." the ship groaned. Purple tapped on  
the dashboard.   
"Hey, wake up. I'm tall!" The dash did nothing. "Stupid-"  
It burst into flame.  
"YAAAHHHH!!!!!" Purple blew on the flames feebly. "PHHH! PHHH!"   
The flames spread throughout the cabin.   
"AAARRGH!!" Red lights began to flash on and off. It didn't take a genius to figure out  
that this meant BAD STUFF WAS HAPPENING.  
The ship crackled back to life. "KxxWarninxx! Apprxxng planexxckx-x-xurface!"  
"SURFACE?!!" screamed Purple. "NOT YET!!"  
"Yesxx, yetxx!"   
"Huh?"  
The computer did not reply.   
"Well that was weirAAAGH!" The ground spun up at him from the viewscreen. He  
curled into a fetal position on the deck, and did not move. The ship shook and spun and finally-  
WhhuuuuHAAMMM!!!" A rocking jolt went through the ground as the ship finally hit.  
The soil churned as it dug its way into the earth and finally came to a halt in a crater twelve feet  
deep. Purple moaned and lost consciousness.   
A door to a house opened and slammed shut. Footsteps ran down a path. A head poked  
over the side of the crater and stared down into it to see the charred, burning remains of the ship.  
They lightly jumped down into the hole to get a better look - and fainted dead away. 


	4. Get Out Of My Face!

Purple did not open his eyes immediately as he woke up. He was simply enjoying laying  
here too much to get out of bed today. Red could wait ten more minutes for breakfast. The room  
was quiet, except for the sounds of electrical signals, computers, and breathing close to his head.  
Yes, all was peace- ELECTRICAL SIGNALS COMPUTERS BREATHING?!!!  
Purple's eyes shot open, a look of complete shock on his face. He did not move, afraid of  
what might happen when he did. He tried to recall everything that needed recalling. 'Tallest nooo  
not Tallest anymore long trip Red's my friend nonono he's not oh where am I where am I I I I  
landed on EARTH!!!'   
His mouth dropped open. Earth was nothing to him. Earth was an empty little planet with  
stupid little inhabitants. How did he know about Earth? Well of course he knew about it from-  
"OH, MY TALLEST MOST TALLEST PURPLE YOU'VE FINALLY COME I KNEW  
YOU WOULD COME I REALLY KNEW-" Zim's face was suddenly two inches above  
Purple's, and Purple was scared beyond shrieking in horror. Zim continued, "-GIR, didn't I  
know? I told you they'd come, did I not?!"  
"Erghh. . . nofoo didnuh!" mumbled GIR through a mouthful of pie.   
Purple sat up very quickly. "Get out of my face, Zim!"  
"Get in your face?"  
"Get out of my face!"  
"Get in your face?"  
"Get out of my face!"  
"Get in your-"  
"NO! No, Zim. Just, y'know, just calm down. I AM taller than you, and I have  
questions!"  
"You have answers for me?!"  
**********  
". . . and that's how the food processor caused the downfall of the entire Lorg-Sploot  
civilization!" Zim finished his long, detailed story full of adventure and excitement.  
"Um. . . what does that have to do with how I got here?" asked Purple, confused.  
"Eh?" questioned Zim.  
"I only asked how I got here in your labs. Your UN-TALL labs." He looked around.  
"Very un-tall indeed, Zim."  
"Well, I, uh-"  
"VERY, VERY un-tall!"  
Zim blinked. "Of course, my Tallest-" (Purple winced,) "-I will work on increasing my  
lab's. . . . TALLNESS!"  
"See that you do!"  
"Eh. . . right! TALL! Got it! Taallll. . . heh. ANYWAY! After I woke up, I brought you down  
here cuz, y'know, you're all TALL and NEAT and stuff!" Zim grinned.  
"Eh, good! Goood. Yesss. . . ." Purple looked around. "Well, I'm sure you've got some  
food somewhere around here, huh? Like the squishy cupcakes mommy made? Waitaminnit, I  
don't have a mommy."  
"How sad," remarked Zim.  
"Yes, well, IF I'd had a mommy, I'm sure she would have made some seriously SQUISHY  
cupcakes."  
GIR replied, "Mommy says da girlsies like me cuz I'ma justa LUUVVV machine!!"  
  
"GIR! The time for silence is NOW!" cried Zim. "Do you not seeee that I am talking with one  
of my Almighty Tallest?"  
Purple cleared his throat. "See, Zim, about that. . ." 


	5. My Tallest

Zim stared at Purple. "Yes, my Tallest?"  
"Well, it's just that I'm not really-"  
"'Not really' what, my Tallest?"  
My Tallest, my Tallest, my Tallest. . . my Taallest. . . . . . my Taalllessst. . . . . . . .  
Purple blinked. He realized that here on Earth, even if only to one annoying Irken, he was  
still one of the Almighty Tallest. It was better than nothing, anyway. That, and this particular  
Irken (Zim as he may be), was sickeningly loyal and gullible. Purple realized that he could  
probably get Zim to do whatever he wanted.   
"Yeah, Zim. . . well, eh, I just wanted to tell you. . . uh. . . hey, who's that?"  
Purple pointed behind Zim at a figure clad entirely in blacks and greys. The figure had  
been hunched, but now straightened up to run. Zim shrieked. "AAAH!" He turned to GIR, a look  
of determination on his face. "GIR! Bring to Zim!"  
"NO!" shrieked GIR. He ran after the dark figure, who broke into a sprint, still looking  
over their shoulder at GIR, Zim, and Purple. GIR shrieked as he waved his half-eaten popsicle in  
the air like a sword. "YEEEEEEEE!! FFT!"  
The person in black made two sharp turns, doubled back, and rolled under some wiring,  
all the time keeping his head turned around to watch GIR. The only part of his body visible, his  
eyes, narrowed, and he yelled back at GIR, "HA! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH MOOF!"  
He hadn't been watching where he was going, and had run into the wall. He lay on the  
floor, too stunned to get up. GIR hopped over and picked him up with one hand, stuck the  
popsicle in his own mouth, and ripped the black mask off of the intruder.   
"LOOKIT! ISH DA GUINEA PIG!! FRITOS!" He grabbed the popsicle out of his mouth  
and stuck it into Dib's mouth.   
"DIB!" cried Zim. "How could I not have not known that I didn't know that it wasn't. . .  
not. . . you. . .!?" he trailed off, confused. "ANYWAY! Whatcha doin' here?"  
Dib glared at Zim. An evil glared beam of HATE. Purple watched the whole scene,  
curious about this little person that Zim seemed to know so well. "Hey, Zim. Whoozat?" He  
gestured at Dib.   
Zim screeched, "MY TALLEST! Do not soil your eyes by looking at him! He is far too  
HYOOOMAN!"  
"Oh, MAN!" exclaimed Dib. "It's one of the tall ones! The leaders!!" Still suspended in GIR's  
grasp, he pulled out a camera and began flashing away at Purple. Purple grinned, stood up off of  
the medical table he had been sitting on, and posed for Dib, quite enjoying the attention. After  
about half a dozen photos, Zim broke the two up.  
"Hey, hey, hey! I'm the other Irken here, my Tallest!! ME! Not this horrible human meat  
maggot thingy!" He pointed wildly at Dib.   
Dib glared at Zim. "Gee, thanks."  
"No offense," muttered Zim. "Wait a second. . . yes! OFFENSE INTENDED! MUA-  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"  
"Quit that," interrupted Purple.  
"Yes, my Tallest. Bye, Dib! Seeya at SKOOOOL!" A small hatch opened in the floor and  
a stand came out of it, upon it a shiny button. "GIR!" commanded Zim. "Push. . . THE  
BUTTONNN!! N!"   
"WOO!! I'M IN THE CIRCUS!" squealed GIR. He ran up to the button, still clutching  
Dib in one hand. He punched the button down and shrieked with delight. A mechanical claw  
came down from the ceiling, snatched Dib, and held him higher in the air. A tunnel opened and  
sucked him up, flinging him into outer space. Well, maybe not quite outer space, but at least,  
like, to the mall. It was really cool.   
"Sooo. . ." said Purple. "What do you do during the day around here? I mean, you  
obviously don't just sit around, but you obviously aren't working to make your labs TALL. . . so  
what else is there?"   
"Ah, you are amazed by my superior knowledge of all things HUMAN!" exclaimed Zim  
happily.   
"No I'm no-"  
"WELL! Every day I go to learn about the humans! Ah, but you wonder WHERE!"  
"Not real-"  
"I GO TO SKOOOL!!" declared Zim, jumping up on a table and laughing all evil-like.  
"MUWAAAH HAHAHAHAHAAAAH!! AHAHAHAH!!! MWAHAHAHAAAARGH!" He  
lost his balance and fell backwards off of the table.   
"But really, my Tallest," said Zim as he pulled himself up and dusted himself off. "It's  
really no place for y-"  
"I wanna go!" said Purple. "I WANNA GO. I *am* one of the Almighty Tallest, after all,  
Zim. But if you aren't loyal to the Irken Empire, I can see how you'd want to keep me out of  
scho-"  
"NO!! No, my Tallest! I wouldn't dream of keeping you from what you want! Tomorrow,  
we'll enlist you in Skool."  
Purple grinned. "Good. Now let's eat."  
"Of course," continued Zim, going on as though he hadn't heard Purple, "we'll have to  
get you-"  
"FOOD! Now!"   
Zim blinked at Purple. "No, my Tallest! What I was going to say was-"  
"MY POPSICLE!!!" screamed GIR. "OH, WHY!??! WHHYYYY?!!!"  
Zim glared at GIR, now frustrated beyond belief. "What I was going to saaay was, before  
we enlist you in Skool, we'll have to get you a disguise!"  
  
Suspense yet again! Can you dig it? 


	6. The Cousin What Is Normal

Note: I am REALLY sorry that the paragraphs aren't indented. My computer does that  
when it uploads the document. If it really bugs you, please mail me and I'll be happy to send you  
my .txt version of the chapter so that it's a bit easier on your eyes.   
And about the Tallest being so flippin' TALL. . . you have to figure, they're hunched  
over. If they stood up straight they'd be really tall. I'm talking about their height when they're  
standing up straight. So. . . you kind of see where I'm coming from?  
And now! More madness.  
  
  
  
"Disguise?" questioned Purple. "What kinda disguise?"   
Zim cleared his throat, and gave Purple a knowing look. "Ahh, my Tallest. A great  
disguise. Yes. So amazing a disguise, that I do not doubt that you will weep with confusion at  
how such an AMAZING disguise could ever be conceived. Conceived by my thoughtmeats! I  
AM ZIM!" He leapt away from Purple and over to the computer.  
"COMPUTER!" yelled Zim.   
"I DIDN'T DO IT!!!"  
Zim blinked. "Do. . . what?"  
"NOTHING!! I SWEAR!!!"  
"Uh. . ." Zim looked back at Purple, who shrugged. Suddenly GIR ran by, his head  
aflame.   
"YAAAHHHH!!" He ran on, and out of the room.  
"Alright. . . good. Yes." Zim looked nervously back at Purple. "That, uh, that was  
supposed to happen." He turned back to the computer. "Computer! COSTUME FOR  
TALLEST!"  
The computer groaned and pulled up the screen with Purple's costume options on it. Zim  
flipped through them quickly, eager to please his Tallest.  
He seemed to have decided upon one. "Howzat one?" He pointed at it to show Purple.  
Purple lit up, a pleased grin on his face.  
"Yeeeah! It shows off my, 'a-hem', better features." He lifted his chin proudly. "I am  
ready for SKOOL!" *  
  
*******  
  
"Class," hissed Ms. Bitters. "The darkness is slowly closing in upon you, so I suggest you  
listen while you are still free of the darkness! SSS! The monsters will eat you once it arrives, so  
enjoy what pitiful life you have left."   
The class cowered in their desks.   
Ms. Bitters continued, "We have *another* student. They just keep coming. His name is.  
. . uh. . . Purple? Oh, come on, what kind of name is that? Good lord. . ."   
Purple ducked under the doorway into the classroom. The class gaped open-mouthed at  
him. He forced a grin. "Hey! I'm Purple! I like food! You're all reeeal short!"   
Zita raised her hand. Purple looked at her and cocked his head, silently saying, "What do  
you want?" She put her hand down.   
"Why you so TALL?" She stared at the back of Zim's head. "Zim ain't that tall!!"  
"I. . . uh. . ." Purple looked at Zim for help. Zim waved his arms frantically and slammed  
his head against his desk twice, apparently trying to tell Purple something. "I eat a lot," Purple  
finished lamely.  
Zita giggled.   
"What? What is it?!" Purple asked, annoyed.   
Zim panicked. "PURPLE, like Zim, is NORMAL! HE IS ZIM'S NORMAL COUSIN!"  
He looked at the class and hissed before slithering back into his seat.  
Zita giggled again, and pointed at Purple. "HE'S WEARIN' A DRESS!!!" The entire  
class burst out laughing. Purple frowned, feeling put out. Dress? C'mon, it didn't look *that*  
much like a dress. The giggling slowed, and Ms. Bitters materialized on the ceiling, hanging  
upside down like a bat.  
"SIT!" yelled Ms. Bitters. "Sit NOW, or suffer!" She disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
When the smoke cleared, she was sitting at her desk. Purple did his best to crouch into one of the  
empty desks. His knees were folded against his chest and his shoulders were hunched. The class  
giggled again. Ms. Bitters continued, "Now, the lesson for today is-"  
Suddenly, the door to the class room burst open. It was Dib, panting heavily, obviously  
having just run from somewhere. "Sorry I'm late! I was watching locker 312 again to see if the  
brain-sucking squirrel would come ou-" He stopped in the middle of his sentence, and his mouth  
hung open as he took in the tall figure crouched in his seat. "YOU!!" he yelled. "NOW  
THERE'S TWO!!" He pointed at Purple, then at Zim, then at Purple again. "AND YOU'RE IN  
MY SEAT!"   
"Aww, man," muttered Sara. "Dib's goin' at the alien thing again. . ."  
"Look!" shouted Dib. "That 'guy' is probably nine feet tall!! How can you possibly think  
he's our age?!!"  
"Do you KNOW TO WHOM YOU SPEAK!?!" shrieked Zim. "You speak to one of the  
ALMI-" he stopped dead. "AlmmmMcMeatie's drones!!"  
Dib glared at Zim. "So, he has a job? At OUR age? Or is he. . ." Dib's eyes shifted back  
and forth, all crafty-like, ". . AN ALIEN!!!"  
"Don't be silly!" shouted Purple. "I am no alien! That's Zim!" Dib grinned triumphantly,  
and Purple slapped his hands over his mouth.   
"See?! Somebody ELSE said that Zim's an alien! I'm not the only one! I'm not crazy,  
I'm! I'm! HAHAHAHA!!" Dib ran out of the room, shrieking with laughter.  
The entire class was silent.  
"Yeeah, he's crazy," said Zim, breaking the quiet. The entire class started up again,  
talking about how Dib really was pretty. . . crazy. I mean, aliens didn't even *exist*. Yeah. Dib's  
crazy.  
  
*Picture of Purple's costume can be found at:  
http://chooseyourbanners.homestead.com/files/purplehumancostume.jpg  
  
I know. . . short. Bleah. I just needed to get something out. More soon, m'kay? 


End file.
